


Winter Wind

by NickiShirotani



Category: Kuroshitsuji : The Most Beautiful DEATH in the World - Iwasaki/Mori/Mari, Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Memories, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Fear of Death, Glasses, Grim Reapers, Illnesses, Language of Flowers, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Pain, Shinigami, Snow and Ice, Souls, Tears
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-09 01:09:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13470516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NickiShirotani/pseuds/NickiShirotani
Summary: A brief story about a dying reaper, an incurable disease, a determined friend, many tears, and two souls trying to find a way out of this endless nightmare.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Chapter 1 Beta-read/Edited by TopHatCat)

One small fact is that we are all going to die.

Alan was well aware of that fact, but he could never imagine that his time would come so early. In fact, it had come once already and now he was living an eternal life. He was an immortal being, forced to face the dead every single day. A Grim Reaper.   Here’s how things work:

Grim Reapers were once humans; humans who had committed suicide. This act is considered the biggest sin someone could ever commit and so anyone who took their own life was punished and cursed to collect the souls of people who were to die.

But how had Alan gone from a plain mortal to a Death God, and why? And how would he die again while being Death himself?  Do Grim Reapers even have normal lives? A place to live? Someone to fall in love with? Someone to be at their side when they need it most? Who could imagine that even such thing was possible.

What if I told you that Grim Reapers are not how you imagine them to be? They're not wearing a hooded black robe, although they do carry a scythe to collect souls. They do not have skull-like faces nor skeleton bodies, and they don't stand like black pitch over your bed when you're sick. They will know exactly the date of your death and come at just the right time to judge your soul by watching your life through the cinematic records.

However, Alan knew nothing about this. Not even when the pills in his hands stare right into his eyes.  There was no going back now. He had decided to take his life on his own will and no one would, or could, stop him, because no one was there for him in the first place.

Tears escaped from his eyes and started to stream down his cold cheeks, staining his clothes, and where they fell the cloth was painted a shade darker.

He didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore to him. All he thought about, as he looked aimlessly at the wall across from him, was to swallow all the pills at once and just get over with it.

Alan was sick. To be more specific... he was extremely sick; had been ever since he was a little child.  He grew up poor, at a house where they could only afford one meal, or none, per day.  The roof above their heads was not enough to keep any heat in, and the humidity, being at high rates inside every room, was not helping Alan's condition.

He was so skinny and pale.  He looked like those stray dogs you see at abandoned villages with nothing to eat, filthy and afraid of anything that moves.

His bones were visible through the skin, especially at his face.  The hollow cheeks, the eyes sunken deep into their sockets... he seemed more dead than alive. One foot was in the grave already and the other was soon to follow.

Time was passing slowly and Alan was still struggling to do it.  With a sharp move, he forced them all into his mouth, without water, and tried to swallow them down his throat but couldn’t. He felt like he was drowning.  His heart was beating so fast it crossed his mind it may jump right out of his chest.

Drowning .... The feeling was like being at the bottom of the ocean…all alone, lost in the dark. No one could hear him screaming. No light could even reach him down there...

He noticed that he was crying on the floor. With each breath he took in, the cries came out louder and louder. If he continued like this then his parents would find out something was wrong, but he couldn't help it. He wanted all of this to be over and he couldn't think of any other way now.

So he kept on crying, and he suddenly felt someone shaking his shoulders violently.  Alan knew that no one had entered the room except him, but still, somehow the hands were there. Soon he could also hear his name being called by a voice he could barely hear. When the shaking became stronger, Alan turned around but, as he had thought, no one was there. He tried standing up, tried to follow the voice, but his legs suddenly buckled and he was lying on the cold floor again in a heap.

“H- Hello?” He called out, his voice was trembling with fear.

“Al! Wake up!”

He felt it again. The shaking. It was clear that someone was touching him, but his eyes saw nothing.

“Who's there?” he shouted at the empty room. He wasn't expecting an answer, and no answer came back; the voice replaced all at once by the faint sound of a ticking clock.

With each passing second, the ticking became louder, growing to a sound so loud that Alan started getting mad. Even after covering his ears with his hands, the noise remained the same.  Refusing to get any quieter.  He gritted his teeth and closed his eyes tightly, begging for this madness to stop.

He hadn't realized that he was holding his breath all this time, when he opened his eyes it all came out in a gasp. The ticking had faded, and he now was in a different room. Owing to the fact that his glasses were missing, he had no awareness of where he was, but he could somehow recognize the place. The lighting was warmer than the previous room and the mattress below him was comfortable and warm. He was lying on a bed. His bed. Everything seemed clearer now. What he saw before was not real, or at least he wished that it hadn’t been.

“It was just a drea-...”

“Alan?”

Alan recoiled in fear when the voice echoed from just beside him. Throwing back the blanket which covered him, Alan almost hit at the wooden headboard behind him, but his tension slowly disappeared once he fully recognized who it was.

“Er...Eric...?” His said, his voice a tone above a whisper. Eric reached out to grab the brunet's icy cold hand and hold it in his warm ones. He caressed Alan's delicate fingers and the smaller reaper returned the action by tightening his grip around Eric's hand. Eric smiled softly and moved closer.

“Was it one of these bad dreams again?”

It took Alan quite a while to compose himself enough to answer. “I-... Yes ...it was a bad dream again,” he replied, using Eric's question to formulate his reply. Eric frowned and let out a small sigh of disappointment.

“Do...you want to talk about it or you want to relax and sleep again?”

Alan's eyes widened at Eric’s words and he shook his head.  “NO! I don't want to go back there!  I don’t want to be alone...or cold...or sick! I want to stay here with you!” Alan was now hanging from Eric's shoulders, his face buried in the fabric of his clothes, and he tried moving himself even closer.

“Please...” he let out desperately, like Eric would vanish if he let go of him.

Alan’s sudden panicky behavior, sent worry slicing through Eric.  Even though it wasn't the first time it had happened, each incident felt like someone was stabbing him from behind.

He knew that, lately, Alan was getting worse and that the illness was also messing with his mind, but it didn’t make it any easier to think about.

 _‘Alan was not like this ...’_ Eric thought and placed his arms gently around Alan's fragile form.  _‘No... he's not like this... laughing wildly at the drop of a hat, shrieking hysterically at trivial things... bursting into tears out of the blue, turning so gentle... giving up on something. He's not like this. Not like this at all.’_

And here is my question again. Who could ever imagine that Grim Reapers were like this? Like normal living humans.  Not like the picture everyone has into their minds at all. This dark figure as shown in various art or even seen in the reality of dreams; they are quite different.  Black is the color that represents death. There's nothing darker than black, it's the absence of light. Some people are afraid of the dark and so... they're afraid of Death.

But is Death afraid of anything?

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Chapter 2 Beta-read/Edited by TopHatCat)

Alan had always been a sensitive character.  Always sentimental, giving too much thought to things that didn't really matter, showing too much feeling, especially of weak or silly kind.

From the beginning of his death and after he had officially become a Grim Reaper, Alan struggled to digest the idea of constant interaction with so much death.  He would cry over the lifeless bodies whose souls had been taken by his own hand, and particularly if the victims were young or their ends unjust, he would mourn for hours on end.  He thought about it too much...These macabre scenes would haunt his thoughts and test his sanity, running circles around his head.

By some kind of morbid fate, he was led into a second divine punishment to match his first. Oversensitive as he was, he let so many pent up emotions override him, oblivious to the harm that he exposed himself too.

Even when he got the disease, he was too good at hiding it from the others around him, like Eric. Especially from Eric.  Alan had promised himself that he would never let his friend know about this. He didn't deserve any more sorrow.

The symptoms of his disease had been subtle at first, being only a few coughing fits after spending time soul collecting, or at night.  At these times, he would sometimes wake Eric up and, afraid that the reaper would discover sooner or later about the Thorns of Death, Alan would just shrug his shoulders at every question, trying to avoid the subject about him acting a bit off the past few weeks.

After a while, quite frankly, Alan started to lose it.  The pains increased with each attack and he was repeatedly searching for excuses; it was almost impossible to simply hide the secret behind a smile or an 'I'm fine', so he began to be more distant.  This wasn’t a considerate action, but he felt compelled to perform it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was too hard to hide one day.  The two reapers had spent almost the whole day at their office together, working quietly on paperwork and organizing folder,, stacks of papers spread all over every surface. The only sound in the room was the tapping of pens and the sound of turning pages...or Eric constantly clearing his throat loudly, then sighing over the work.

Alan had stopped writing at some point and just stared blankly at Eric, but the blond didn't notice: he was too busy 'working'.  After finding it difficult to concentrate, Alan put his pen down and walked slowly and noiselessly to the couch to lie down.

Eric hadn't taken much note that his partner wasn't at his desk anymore until he heard the audible cries. It was something less than a whisper but the place was so quiet even the lowest of sounds was apparent.

He turned his gaze up and to Alan's direction, at once seeing him curled up with a small pillow squeezed in his arms, legs bent up to his chest and his face hid within his brunet locks of hair.  Eric rose up from his chair and silently crossed to the smaller reaper. He caressed Alan's shoulder gently and felt him shaking intensely.

'”Al... Ye alrigh'?”' Eric asked.  His accent, which he tried his best to hide, came out when he was extremely concerned or troubled.

“L...Leave me-,” Alan replied with labored breath, and his words were cut off when a sharp pain struck him.

For the past few hours, Alan's stomach had been aching, and the more he kept working andkeeping close to Eric, the more his stomach knotted, as though his body knew what was about to come and it was trying to warn him somehow.  But did he listen to himself? No… he tried to ignore it and now it was even worse than it may have been if he had only taken note of what was coming.

Gripping at his chest now, he tried to choke back his tears but instead he ended up crying out loud without even noticing. Eric's eyes widened and he put his hands desperately on his head.  He was at a loss. He didn't know what to do, who to call, where to go. This whole situation made him shake; he had never seen Alan in such a bad state and he was scared. Not a single idea on how to react to what was happening came to his panicked mind.

“Alan!”' He shook him gently, but Alan didn't respond.  :Alan talk to me! What's wrong ?” The panic grew and he sank to his knees next to Alan.  Still , the smaller reaper didn't reply and continued on crying into the pillow.

Eric wasn't sure if Alan could actually hear him; too preoccupied with trying to deal with whatever pain he was in.   The smaller reaper had his teeth gritted, eye tightly shut. All at once the tremors stopped and Eric froze, hopeful, but something wasn’t right.  There was only silence, no more cries. Alan wasn't at peace though, his expression remain furrowed and screed up in pain. He was still and quiet, and icy cold when Eric tried shaking him.

“Al?” he yelled,“Alan wake up!”

Nothing.  Only silence.

“Oh God...what-,” He drew back quickly, distraught, pacing back and forth aimlessly .

What was he supposed to do? What had even actually happened just now? One moment Alan was sitting at his desk behind  stack of papers and now…now he was lying limp on the couch.

Eric gave him a quick slight shake again, hoping that he might wake up this time...but no.  He didn't even stir. He was unconscious but Eric didn't want to believe it. 

Not even a minute passed after Alan’s attack but to Eric seemed like an hour of trying to figure out what to do.  At last, and without even a second though, Eric slid his arms under the other reaper, rolled Alan onto his back and lifted him up almost effortlessly. Hurrying out of the office, he headed toward the infirmary, only two floors below from where they were. 

Eric's heart was throbbing inside his chest as he hurried down the hallway, pounding so loud he could feel his heartbeats in his head as he ran. It all had happened so fast and Eric was blaming himself for not seeing earlier that something was wrong with his friend.

On his way to the infirmary, Eric passed by William . He didn't even notice him but Will saw him, as did whoever else was at the halls. William opened his mouth to call him but decided not to.  Instead , he just frowned and looked down at the floor while he made his way to where he was heading before.

The truth is...William knew all about what Alan had.  So did Grell. And Ronnie. They all knew that Alan was sick.  All but Eric. Eric was the last person that Alan wanted to see hurt. 

Actually he didn't want to hurt anyone. He couldn't bear to destroy Eric's feelings...Eric who had always been there for him, making his monotone life a little bit brighter in his own unique way. Alan didn't want to leave him either, but being beside his friend meant hurting him.  The Thorns of Death may have been Alan’s illness, but they had the ability to cause pain to everyone around Alan. And Alan didn’t want that.

But now Eric knew something was seriously wrong… and there was nothing to do but wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's chapter 2 :D Thanks for reading ;3 ;3


	3. Chapter 3

Eric didn't even think about knocking the door before entering the infirmary . The loud bang on the door made the young looking lady ,who was sitting silently inside her office , jump in surprise from her seat . Only on rare occasions did someone enter her office like that.

The woman was short but taller than Alan , thin and a little pale but charming. Her eyes were a deep , dark green , unlike Alan's sparkling canary yellow when the sun reflected them , and her hair were as long as to reach her middle. Her name was Sophie and Eric knew her personally pretty well and had even went on a date with her once. 

Seeing Alan limp in Eric's arms and the blond's distressed expression , her throat tightened and for a brief moment they just stared at each other . She couldn't believe that something bad had happened to Alan and end him up like this . Many possibilities crossed her mind. Most certainly a demon attack... but no...it couldn't be. There was no stain of blood on the brunette's clothes to be spotted , and his clothes were neat as always. 

Eric was panting when Sophie pointed and led him towards an empty white bed to lie Alan down before doing anything else. 

''What happened to him ? '' she asked in a shaky voice , her eyes observing him from head to toe as she placed her hand on Alan's forehead, checking his temperature and caressing away stray hair from his closed eyes . 

Once Eric had crouched down and set Alan gently on the bed , he let out a heavy labored breath when he rose up again. Likely , even Alan's light body had started to become a weight to Eric's sturdy arms after carrying him for so long.

'' I ... I really don't know ...'' Eric paused as he felt tears forming into his eyes and tried in vain to hold them back. Instead , he covered his face with his hands and let them stream down his cheeks. 

''Hey...it's alright , Eric...'' she walked close to him and took his cold , slightly calloused and rough hand and wrapped it around both her delicate ones. She held it comfortingly tight.  
''Look at me '' she said . Her voice soft and encouraging . She frowned looking up at him and pulled Eric's other hand away from his face .   
''Well... '' she started '' This is not like you ....Everything is going to be fine .Yes ? '' Eric shook his head negatively and tried to get free from her grasp but she refused to let him go.

''But...h- he just ...Alan was ...he-''  
''Alright , why don't you better wait outside ? Get some fresh air .'' Eric stopped struggling to find the words to explain, and after glancing at Alan for a second , he groaned and stepped outside.

Not having another drain of strenght to walk and go somewhere , he dropped himself on the floor , his back on the wall thumped . He wasn't sure what he was thinking at that moment , but , he felt the reassurance abandon him , without Alan right by his side . He made him want to live on to hope and see a future in which , pain was just a distant memory. Alan had made Eric feel warmth like which he never felt before . But now , he was icy cold as ever.. his hands covered in bleak sweat . 

One thing though Eric knew for sure and thought that ; ever since he had met Alan , his life had been like a roller coaster . Always unpredictable , surprising without a warning. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

''I'll just go to the restroom... I'll be back in a bit .'' Alan announced as he ran out of their office without waiting a reply.   
''Okay Al ! '' Eric nodded and looked up but Alan was already gone . Eric frowned but then brushed the worry off his mind and returned back to his work.   
~~~   
'' Oh ! No !! I just remembered ! Alan snapped as they walked to work one morning .  
''What again ? '' Eric smirked . Alan froze for a second , searching for a suitable answer. He looked nervously around and Eric followed his gaze , trying to figure out what Alan was looking for .  
'' Th-.... The cats ! I left the cats unfed !!! I gotta go back ! '' Eric rose an eyebrow as Alan spun quickly around and rushed back to their apartment .  
''But i fed them last ... night ... oh ...nevermind .''  
~~~  
''Forgot to send the documents to William ! i have to go ! ''  
~~~  
''Ronald wanted me to help him with something .''  
~~~  
''Grell was just having trouble with paperwork and i had to help. ''  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

And then he would always give a reassuring smile and tilt his head to one side playfully .

'I see.... so all the excuses... he really was acting weird recently ... I just hadn't noticed. He's been avoiding being close to me but'... '' why ?'' Eric whispered at the empty room and stared blankly at the wall across. He wasn't stupid nor naive. He knew that Alan was hiding something all along . He just pretended that he didn't see it. If Alan didn't want him to know , then he had no right to force the answer out of him. He was aware that the smaller reaper was getting extremely anxious when being asked about a particular topic he wasn't expecting to be asked. So Eric kept the questions to himself , but whatever Alan hid , it was somewhere well kept . He had made sure that Eric would never find out..   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sound of running footsteps. Nothing but this was echoying through the long corridors of the floor and the heavy panting as the young reaper ran with all his might. White shiny leather shoes , undone laces. The silver watch loose around his wrist clinging . The desperate attempt to be on time. At least for once .  
An ordinary nurse finding out , and the only one not knowing a thing ; Eric. 

Ronald was out of breath when he finally reached the door of the infirmary and grabbed the door knob , almost slippering trying to halt himself from running . Without hesitation he slammed the door open and simultaneously , Sophie opened slowly the door to the waiting room where Eric was sitting.Her face white and her expression unwritten . Expressionless. 

''ERIC !!? ''Ronald exclaimed. ''William told me tha-'' After Ronald saw the nurse across him, he undoubtedly knew that for once again , he was late. He tried shaking his head , winking , trying to sign a 'no' to her with no result. Ronald was the only one in this room who knew all along . And thats how eventually , Eric found out. 

Even though Alan was normal like the others around him , he was mercyless... in his own special way, and like a bomb , he would soon explode right next to Eric.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me a while ... Sorry for the wait. I've been just a little busy . Thank for reading <3 <3


	4. Grey Skies

The following day was Sunday which meant Eric didn't have to go to work and no soul collecting was scheduled for the day . Eric had woken up early that morning , made himself a cup of hot coffee and sat on the couch after fetching the news paper which waited everyday on their carpet outside the main door of their apartment.  
He wasn't reading something specifically. His mind couldn't adjust to the words on the paper and the sentences wouldn't sink in his head . His eyes only followed the lines of bold printed letters . All he thought about was Alan . After last night's incident with Alan's nightmares , Eric had hardly got any sleep. He had stayed awake watching over him . Alan would moan or whimper occasionally in his sleep. The bad dreams and memories of the people he used to know in his past miserable life would not seem to go away , and it worried Eric a lot because not only Alan was sick , but Reapers were not supposed to remember a thing about their past life. They didn't dwell too much about it cause if they did , Alan would remember more and soon he would get insane and paranoid . Instead , Eric tried to distruct him in any possible way he could think of. He would take him to cafe for a tea and they would talk over pleasant subjects or go to libraries and read for hours on end . Or if Alan had the energy to do so , they would go shopping or just walk serenely around the crowded streets of London . Eric avoided going with him near places with flowers though . Such as parks or flower shops where flowers bloomed in every corner. 

Alan knew every and each flower and their meanings individually ,whilst Eric could never memorise any. If they happened to find a bush with various kind of flowers , Alan would explain to him their definition were , and how they were so thoughtlessly planted together. 

''You just don't put Calendulas 'grief' and Freesia 'lasting friendship' together . It's ridiculous .'' He claimed and ran his delicate fingers through the wet leaves and petals , carrying an expression of sorrow . This was what Eric wanted to stay away from . Things that would make Alan think of grief and make him sorrowful.

Since he couldn't read at the moment and there was no point trying reading anyway , he folded the newspaper in half and dropped it on the short wooden table in front of him . Then he lied back again , he nestled among the soft pillows and his back sank slowly . Alan hadn't woken up yet and he wouldn't wake up anytime soon , Eric assumed. His eyes fell on a brown shriveled leather cover book that was propped under some old newspapers and unfinished or forgotten paperwork placed on the edge of the table. Eric carefully took the messy papers lying over it , and as if it was some kind of fragile object , like butterfly wings , he picked up the book , afraid that he might damage it or brush off its leather texture. Like a baby , the book rested heavily in his hands and he turned it around . No title was written or curved on the book's hard cover and Eric had never seen it before. He opened the book at the first page and with his thumb and index finger cautiously moved to the next page , hopinng that the title would be there. And there it was with black thick calligraphy letters.

'The Language of Flowers' 

The corners of Eric's mouth turned up . Right below the title , Alan's name and last name was neatly written with black ink , with the date when he first had started reading it. Unlike Eric's tight clustered books which he almost never read , were rotting slowly on the book shelves above his office in his room. They were almost intact , abandoned. You could probably create little drawings on their dust covered surfaces by brushing off the dirt. Alan had been studying this book since Eric could hardly remember . He spent so many hours in his room , the book held lovingly in his grip and his knuckles would always turn white after holding it for so long . His eyes unwavering on the words , he tried to remember everything written inside it. 

Eric found himself lost in the book which was full of Alan's notes and observations . His thoughts were distracted by hearing Alan's coughing echoying from his room , and made him turn his gaze to the direction . He closed the old book and carried it with him as he crept towards Alan's room. He peered inside the ghost-quiet room . All the lights were off and Alan was still sleeping peacefully under his blanket . Eric careful not to make a noise , walked to Alan's bedside and set the book on the nightstand . After he did , he cast a glance over Alan . Only his hair were visible from under the covers and Eric wondered if Alan was actually able to breath in there . He looked around and to his surprise , Alan's room was left in a muddle . His dark blue dressing goan was dumped on his chair , papers were spread sloppily all over his office and there were even clothes lying on the floor 'something that Alan would never let happen' . Eric picked them all up and tidyed the place up a bit . 

'I suppose it's my turn to do the laundry ...' he wondered if it would be safier to wash them in hand or make an attempt to use the washing machine... but this could be a risk . Even with the little noises he made , Eric doubted that Alan would hear anything.... He was wrong. He couldn't predict that a sneeze would come and damn it , it had to be when he tried to be especially quiet . The last thing he wanted was to disturb Alan's sleep , but when Eric sneezed ... even the next house would hear him . He could raise the whole neighborhood afoot. He ran for the door and tried to hold it in until he was out of ear shot from Alan's room , but it was too late. 

Eric's sneeze came out so loud , he bent down and some of the clothes in his arms fell on the floor as he did , causing Alan to yell from fear. 

''Nghhh.... '' He half closed his eyes and tried to adjust his sigh . All he could see was a black blurry silhouette , an outline of someone visible against the lighter background from outside the door.  
''Bloody hell...'' Eric exhailed wiping his nose with his sleeve and picking the clothes up again and turned his gaze to Alan . The brunette's eyes were dull , dark circles were under them . His hair a total mess and the parting of his hair was off its usual direction . He winced when he tried to turn around and sit up on his bed. 

''I'm so sorry buddy ...I couldn't hold it in '' He sneefed again .  
''Y-..you scared me to death , I thought it was an explosion or something .''  
''Well...that is accurate . It could be . '' Eric smirked , Alan didn't answer and tried to get more comfortable , resting his back on the headboard . He yawned and let out a quiet cute noise like a kitty .

''When will you learn to do this quietly ? '' Alan struggled to speak and Eric noticed that instantly .  
''Umm.... I'm going to leave those in the bathroom and I'll be back .'' Eric said and rushed to the bathroom. He dropped them in the basket and quickly returned to Alan's room. Alan heard Eric's footsteps echoying from the corridor and covered himself with the blanket . Curled up , his body tensed when Eric was back in the room . He held his breath , trying to stay silent and Eric walked to Alan's bedside , sitting down on the floor and letting out a sigh of dissapointment , he placed a hand over the blanket and began rubbing him over the fabric gently. 

''Alan ? ''He whispered . He could feel that something bad was about to come. ''What's wrong flower ?'' The word hit Alan hard and made him gather himself even tighter . He squeezed his eyes shut and tightened his grip onto the blanket . His breath cought in his throat when Eric tried to pull off the blankets. He wanted to smile. Tell Eric that he loved it when he called him that , but all he could do now was stay quiet and still. Hide his pain was something that he failed to manage this time. He felt the covers being lifted from him from his middle and up. He let out a sore low cry when the cool air from the room showered over his body and made him goosebump , triggering the thorns badly . 

Alan didn't let out a single word even though he wanted to say something . Anything . Let his friend know that he was fine while in reality , he really was not. Eric exhaled heavily and brushed the fringe out of his face before reaching for the brunette's hand . Alan hissed in pain when he felt the touch of Eric's on him and broke into tears. 

'' Eric ! Eric ! Stop!'' He cried out and shook violently , his nail bitten fingers digging into the mattress maniacally .  
''Stop what Alan ? I'm not doing anything .'' Eric said desperately . It was already obvious to him that he was having an attack . Alan coughed his lungs out like someone was strangling him. He felt agony and after seconds , he was breathless. His teeth chattered as he took a sharp deep breath in.  
''L-... Let go ...'' Alan let out tongue-tied.  
''What ? '' Eric couldn't understand what he had said . His voice was so low and hoarse , almost unspoken.  
''Let go ! Let go off me !! '' Alan screamed to him through sobs and Eric quickly let go of his hand. Alan collected both his arms close to his chest . He was in disruption and if Eric insisted to help him , he would only make things worse.  
''It's all gonna be alright Al... ''Eric said and leaned near him . ''Just try to take deep breaths , okay ? '' Alan frowned , his eyes still closed and let out gasps as he tried to breath . As time passed , his breathing seemed to soothe . His heart was still thumping in his chest however . Having attacks in the morning was something unpredictable . He usually had plans for both of them . Especially if the weather was nice , he wanted to go out with Alan and just walk . He couldn't see him rot away in his room all day , so even if he didn't want to go out , he would take him somewhere with his car , despite Alan's complaints . He needed it ... they needed it . Today's plans were entirely ruined after this . Nine times out of ten , when Alan had attacks , he would sleep for hours after it had wore off , or even until the next rise of the sun but Eric always woke him up to force feed him cause he wouldn't do it on his own without Eric forcing him with the spoon in front of his mouth . It may have been a little embarassing for both of them but if Eric didn't do it , then Alan would not die from the disease but from starvation. 

''Eric...'' Alan finally spoke through laboured breaths, stretching his arm slowly to reach Eric's . Eric carefully took Alan's hand and held it gently , rubbing small circles with his thumb on the back of his hand.  
''Yes Al..I'm here. What is it ? '' Eric asked concerned and lightly tightened his hand.  
''It ..It hurts ..'' He complaint and a single tear escaped his eyelid .  
''I know buddy ... I know .'' Eric tried to remain calm and keep his own tears in . With his other hand he started caressing the brunette's thin hair and wiped the tears from Alan's cheeks as his fingers moved down.  
''Please ...make it stop ..''  
''What can I do ? '' Eric drew his hand and it came back wet with tears.  
''My hands... the thorns are piercing everywhere. ''  
''You want me to pull the sleeves up ? I don't know what to do Alan ...Tell me . '' he just nodded and Eric with slow moves , started sliding the sleeve up . Suddenly , Alan started shouting out of pain .  
''Stop !! Stop ! Stop ! Ugh God ... '' Eric recoiled from the bed as Alan cried out and hid his face on the pillowcase again . The punctured wounds from the thorns had attached themselves to the fabric of his sleeves during night . It felt like burning as the wounds reopened and fresh blood seeped out when Eric pulled them up. Eric inhaled sharply.  
''Oh no !! I'm sorry Alan! I'm so sorry !! '' He panicked . After seconds of staring terrified over Alan suffernig in pain , he rushed for the bathroom , causing a ruckus. The only way he could take the shirt off of Alan was water , he assumed, so he let the hot water fill the bathtub and ran back to the room . 

''I'm gonna take you to the bathroom okay ? We'll fix this. I promise '' he said ,sliding an arm gingerly under Alan's back and one under his legs . When he lifted him up , Alan wrapped his hand around Eric's neck . Eric submerged the smaller reaper's form in the now full buthtub. The long sleeved shirt began to ease off from Alan's skin and the water devouring his cold limps seemed to diminish the pain . Eric felt a wave of relief wash over him as he watched Alan's expression tranquilize . His legs could no longer hold him up and he kneeled down on the floor , making himself comfortable near Alan .  
'' I think we can take them off now ... what do you say ? '' Eric suggested after a little while. Alan opened his eyes. The exhaustion written clearly in his gaze.  
''We ? '' He asked nervously , crossing his arms protectively over his chest .  
''Are you sure you can do it alone ? ''  
''I ... I can...'' Stummered Alan and began to take off the shirt . Slowly he lifted the fabric from over his belly exposing the thorny like vein scars all over his body . Eric tried not to look at them so Alan would not feel uncomfortable . Alan let out a shriek when he finally took the wet heavy cloth off him. 

''They got worse...'' Alan said in a dissapointed tone , reffering to the injuries on his arms. It was the only spot which constantly bled and they stung so much. Most of the times it felt like someone put salt on fresh opened wounds. 

''Don't worry flower ..I'll clean them all up for you once you're dry , and then you can go back to bed if you'd like .'' Alan nodded  
''I love it when you call me that Eric... '' and for the first time in the day , a small smile appeared on his face. Seeing that , Eric leaned and gave a soft kiss on the smaller's tear-wet cheek . Alan turned his head to the blond's direction and pressed his forehead against Eric's . A tear escaped from his eye and ran down to where Eric had kissed him before. This time it wasn't out out pain but out of happyness. 

Except the warmth that the water surrounding him granted him , the warmth of Eric's love for him was stronger . It burnt and sometimes it hurt him but in a pleasant kind of way. It could heal him from suffering . These precious moments were what kept Alan want to struggle so his fire could burn beside him for just a little longer . Just a little more was fine . He was eager to fight this even if it meant sufferning for the rest of his life. 

Alan trembled and shook as if chilled and Eric took the towel from the hanger and then helped Alan sit at the edge of the bathtub . Keeping a comforting arm around his waist , he wrapped him with the towel and started rubbing him gently . Alan walked a bit unsteadily to sit down on the wooden bench in front of the small window. His pants were still on him heavy and dripping all over the floor . The carpet soaked the water and the colour had changed. 

''Are you in pain now ? '' Eric asked and then felt a little awkward when he got no answer . Leaving the bathroom and letting Alan in private to get the clothes off , he walked to Alan's room . After the dark of Alan's room , the bathroom was nauseously bright when he got back with new clothes for Alan to change . 

''Here you go '' Eric said and handed Alan the pajamas. He took them and bowed his head quickly nodding a 'thanks ' before closing the door . 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

''Alan ? '' he whispered , knocking on the door . ''I'm coming in '' He pulled open the door and found him as he expected him to be . Under the blankets almost asleep , Alan stared blankly across. He was cold and with one hand he was holding around his waist with intensity, as Eric would later come to recognize , comes only with extreme discomfort. At the time though , he was scared and confused , and began asking Alan question after question , none of which he was in any state to answer . By this time the worst of the pain seemed to have passed , and when Eric asked him if he should call a doctor , Alan shook his head . 

''But Alan , '' he said , quietly . '' you're in pain . We have to get you help . '' 

''Nothing will help . '' he said , and was silent for a few moments . ''I just have to wait .'' His voice was whispery and faint , unfamiliar .  
''What can I do ? " Eric asked.  
''Nothing '' Alan said . They were quiet . ''But Eric... will you stay with me for a little while ? ''  
''Of course Al'' he said and sat close beside him . At one point he reached under the blanket and found Alan's hand and prised open his fist so he could hold his damp, callused palm . Alan shuddered and chattered his teeth for hours , and eventually , Eric lay down beside him and fell asleep .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading ;3


	5. Selfish

Early in the afternoon , Eric woke in Alan's bed with his hand throbbing . When he examined the back of it , he saw bruised smudges where Alan's fingers had clenched him . An orange tint filtered the room through the curtains and Eric presumed that it wasn't too late yet . He got up a bit unsteadily and walked from the hall to the kitchen where he saw Alan over the stove , keeping an eye over a steaming kettle . His features were indistinguishable in the dim early afternoon warm light . 

He turned around and looked up when he heard Eric come in and straightened. For a while , the merely looked at each other in silence.   
''Eric ...I'm sorry .'' He said at last and turned his back facing Eric again ashamed. His eyes fixed on the burners as they sparked and burnt out.   
''Alan ...'' he sais '' there's nothing to be sorry for .'' and he meant it . There wasn't .   
''But I'm sorry Eric , I'm so sorry ,'' Alan repeated , and no matter how many times Eric tried to reassure him , he wouldn't be comforted . The kettle whistled and Alan turned the fire out , poured some hot water into his blue mug on the counter and turned to Eric. 

'There's still some water left '' he said and raised the teapot up for Eric to see. '' Want to drink some tea with me ? '' Alan suggested and sat on a wooden stool around the kitchen island , waiting for Eric to join him . To his surprise , Eric resisted , but he made some steps forward and walked close to Alan , wrapping his arm around the smaller reaper's shoulders. 

''Actually ...'' he started . Alan could tell from the tone of his voice that the blond was up to something . ''How do you feel now ?''   
''Better why ? '' Alan asked curious . Eric smiled sneakily .   
''Hmmm... I don't know , but my stomach craves for something sweet. '' he said and closed his eyes , dreaming of what sort of sweet dishes he could have in front of him , but his thought s were interrupted by Alan's voice .   
''Then add some sugar in the tea.'' he shrugged and took a gulp of his tea . Eric let go of Alan and drew back , crossing his hands in dissaproval.   
''Ugh C'mon Al. '' he giggled . Alan with a raised eyebrow switched his gaze to the blond behind his back . It usually took him sometime to read what Eric actually wanted or what he was trying to say . sometimes it took him seconds ,sometimes minutes , hours , days...months ,but if he had the time to think then he would find a way out of the maze .   
''What ? '' Alan asked . Eric tried to hold back his laughter seeing Alan's glasses fogged up from the steam . The brunet kept looking at him through his hazy spectacles like he didn't care.   
''Remember the pastry shop on-''  
''on the next corner ! Yes ! '' Alan snapped with exhilaration and cut Eric's words off. When Alan was in better shape he used to stop by this pastry shop near their appartment called ' la patisserie de reves ' which meant 'pastry shop of dreams' . He would either stay at the cozy place and eat all kinds of sweets and cakes , wtaching as different people entered and left the shop wearing satisfied expressions on their faces . Something that enveloped Alan with happyness and made his nerves soothe after a long stressfull day at work. At times when his condition had worsened , Eric would go instead of him and surprise Alan with a small decorated box , full of different kinds of pastries . This would always cheer his spirit up and make him forget for a bried time about the state he was in. With a mouthful of chocolate , he would always smile to Eric and thank him for everything that he was doig for him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alan struggled to find something to wear that didn't look oversized on him. The shirts which fitted just right on him a few weeks ago , now were slipping around his thin figure. The pair of black trousers he usually wore when he went out for an ordinary walk , were sliding down his slender legs and he rummaged around , looking for a belt to wear. With a sigh, he put on the final detail to his outfit , the silver bolo tie which he couldn't remember when was the last time he had touched that thing. 

When he had finished , he crept to the living room and in the dead silent house , only the heels of his black leathered shoes on the floor echoed . Eric looked up from where he ha sprawled on the couch while waiting for Alan and his eyes from half closed , went to wide open when he saw him well-dressed after so long. 

''Wow Alan... you look ..gorgeous.'' he said slowly while shaking his head . Alan's pale cheeks flushed red and bowed his head shyly down .   
''It's not like that ... '' Alan said and then clapsed his hands together . '' you just got used to seeing me like like a total mess. Now i'm just less of a mess. '' Eric smirked and walked close to the brunet, taking one of his hand in his.   
''No Alan , you always look beautiful to me .'' Eric assured him , using a soft tone as he brushed a fringe behind Alan's ear with his other hand. Alan tilt his head and leaned against Eric's touch. Not sure how to reply to Eric's compliment , Alan shook his head , remembering the reason they were standing up there like that. 

''We better get going , what do you say ? i swear i could feel my stomach purr earlier. '' Alan said and laughed while scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. Eric nodded and unhooked his and Alan's long black coats from the hanger.   
''Thank you '' Alan said then grabbed his own coat and wore it. Alan's pale skin contrasted with the deep black fabric , making him look sickly whitish . More than usual. Even though he looked beautiful , Eric couldn't help but worry about him . How would people look at him ? Will he feel comfortable ? Is he actually going to eat anything at all ? Is he going to be okay ? 

His pale hair hung limp on both sides of his face . Eric jumped out of his thoughts and reached for a dark brown woolen scarf. ''You should wear this '' he handed the long piece of cloth to Alan . ''It's really cold outside '' Alan didn't hesitate nor complaint about Eric being overprotective since it had been a long while from when he had last exited the house. He could barely remember when the last time was, but he could recall that it was late autumn and even then , the air was cold enough to make his teeth chatter. He carelessly wrapped the long scarf around his neck and let out a sigh from under the cloth , causing his glasses to fog once again . A chuckle escaped from the blond and patted Alan on the shoulder gently before unlocking the door to leave. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

The needn't have to take thea car since the pastry shop was only two blocks away from their door. Eric mad esure to keep a slow pace so that Alan could keep up with his long strides, and don't ran out of breath . His cheeks and nose were already gaining a flash of red colour , his arms were crossed tightly under his armpits to get warm . Beside him , Eric walked absentmindedly , hands tacked inside his pockets and he watched as with each breath he let out a densed withe smoke danced and flew behind him . The streets were ghost quiet and light fog devoured the buildings , enveloping both of them in its icy cold and nostalgic weak breeze , sweetly ruffling their hair .

Alan sucked in a sharp breath and his eyes widened when he finally saw the pastry shop, located at the edge of the street . The warm yellow lights igniting the street from its windows , left a cozy feeling and from where they were still walking towards the shop it reminded Alan these pictures of paintings he once had seen in a book about art. More specifically , it looked like Van Goch's 'The Cafe Terrace' . The yellow contrastedthe dark blue night sky . The stars sparkled a dim yellow light . A dark blue sea covered in tiny little dots . The scent of chocolate pastries and cookies that had just been out of the ovens , reached their noses and made their mouths water. 

~~~~

When Eric pushed the door open , a small bell sound rang from above their heads as they walked inside. A soft music was flowing from the speakers on the ceiling . A calm , sweet orchestral piece . The melody send a shudder through Alan and he felt so happy to be at this place for once again that his smile almost reached up to his ears. Once they were in , a lady in a pink apron approached from behind the counter , carrying a tray full of sweets . Noticing the two young men standing at her door with black long coats she dropped the pan on the surface in front of her and her jaw hung open in shock. 

''Alan !! '' She shouted in excitement and ran around the showcase of delicious looking goodies , taking Alan in a strong tight hug . Alan's toes almost lifted up from the ground when she pulled him in her embrace. 

Her name was Midori and she was a young kind-hearted Japanese girl. She was in her late teens and with the help of her parents who were both bakers back in Japan and with all her inherited skills from her beloved onesd , she had managed to run her own pastry shop. Midori had a really soft spot for Alan and whenever he would show up , usually at night or late afternoon , she would treat Alan with the kindest way she knew of. Alan loved seeing her. She was always so cheerful and caring which helped Alan forget about all his problems and concentrate only on her. His feelings for her were complicated though. He didn't know what he loved most . Her sweets , or her sweet personality ? It almost felt like she was his sister sometimes , when Alan would pick a table to sit and drink a hot cup of tea accompanied by a plate full of goodies , and of course across him , Midori would sit and keep him company while he ate . She would always rest her chin on one hand and tilt her head to one side while wearing a smile of pleasure . Alan couldn't tell if her enjoyment came from Alan appreciating her food or from Alan just eating . He couldn't help but always smile back at her but he could never bring a word out of his mouth easily . He just smiled back and hoped that it was enough . Eric had once told him that if a girl has a problem with you , she would let you know . So, having that in mind , Alan tried to keep enjoying the sweets.   
Alan didn;t care much about gaining weight . He would tell himself whenever his mouth was full of chocolate that if you uou don;t eat whatever you can now , you may never have the chance in the future . So he ate. He ate like there was no tomorrow when he felt like it. 

''I missed you so much '' She said , almost crying .''where have you been ?'' Alan rose his shoulders up awkwardly , trying to avoid answering her.   
''I missed you too Midori '' Alan said in a shaky voice and frowned at her. She took one of his hand in hers gently and then noticed Eric behind Alan's back.   
''Oh ! Hello Mr. Eric !'' She waved with the other hand .Eric clicked his tongue and smirked.   
''Hey Midori and it's just Eric . '' he said and crossed his arms.   
''what would you want to have today ? we still have many things left and of course Alan's favourite.   
''You have strawberry puffs ?!'' he asked asked loudly but he already knew the answer.   
''Yes we do !!'' Midori smiled and walked back behind the counter. '' just choose where you want to sit and i'll come to take more detailed notes in a minute.'' 

As they sat down on a wooden table , the melody on the speakers changed and Alan turned his eyes to the direction where the music came from .   
''Mozart's piano sonata in b flat .'' he let out and then smiled . Eric rose an eyebrow , confused at how Alan knew about classical pieces .   
'' How can you tell its name ? '' Alan smiled softly.  
''Well...I listen a lot to Mozart's music when you're not around .''  
'' I have to say that I'm not surprised.'' the taller said and rested his hands over the table and leaning forward near Alan.   
''You know... Mozart's music can be dscribed as something happy and playful ... but to those who listen , there is a trace of sorrow and solitude hidden inside those music sheets. He used to have hard times too .'' Alan muttered and then lowered his head , then let out a long sigh. Eric didn't like where this conversation was going and he internaly begged for Midori to show up soon.   
''I agree ... but this piece is so peaceful and innocent . Personally i can't spot any sadness in it. '' said Eric , choosing his words with care. He would speak that way sometimes when Alan tended to turn the subject of a conversation to something depressing , slowing down to find the exact word he was looking for.   
''But of course if you say so , you know something more than i do .'' he continued '' the one thing i know for sure though is that i like the piece.'' Alan crossed his arms over his chest and looked at Eric over his glasses and smiled at him as if to say ' even though you really don't know a thing about music you're still trying to keep up with what i say ... what an idiot ' He didn't say it after all, and all that filled the gap between them was a comfortable silence as they smiled at each other.   
Sudenly , Midori's cheerful voice broke the silence and Eric turned his attention to her , his eyes folloing her every move as she walked next to their table. 

''Sorry for the wait.'' she said and reached inside her pocket and took out a notebook and a ridiculously small pen . ''what would you gentlemen want for today ?'' she questioned.   
''I'll have the usual, Earl Greay and strawberry puff pastries. '' Midori scribbled down in clumsy letters what Alansaid and even though she already knew his answer before he had even said it. Then she turned to Eric. 

''I'm not sure what i'd want ..'' he started '' i've never been to a pastry shop before , but if you have something that contains alcohol or any drink ,it would be perf-'' Eric let out a yelp when he felt a kick on his knee from under the table . He looked at Alan with confusion in his eyes. ''Ouch ! '' He shouted '' What was that for Al ? '' Eric complaint and started rubbing his leg to shoothe the pain . Getting kicked by Alan and speificaly , by Alan wearing black leather shoes , was something you wished to never happen . 

Alan frowned stubbornly and leaned over that table as if being closer to Eric would change his mind.   
''Why do you always have to drink this stuff ? Can't you see it doesn't benefit you with anything ? '' Eric let out a snicker.   
''Nor pastries offer you something . It's just for the taste and pleasure .'' Midori couldn't help but smile while watching them arguing over something so trivial . Alan cared about what Eric did as much as Eric cared about Alan . He always felt like he owed and he could never pay back Eric for taking care of him when his own body didn't allow him to do it for himself because of his rare condition. It just came out of him like an instinct .He cared about Eric's diet , if Eric had eaten or slept well , if he was dressed warm in a cold day , if he had done all his paperwork. He thought about all these things even when Eric would turn to him and say that he should better start thinking about his own self. He called Eric careless whenthe truth was that Alan was the one not thinking about hiself at all. 

Alan blew out a huff and pursed his lips in a little pout but said nothing . Who knows what he could be thinking anymore .   
Midori laughed . ''We have hor chocolate with brandy which is very good and not that strong . ''  
''Alright , I'll have that .'' Eric announced . Midori bowed down and made her way back to the kitchen.

~~~~~~~~~~~

''Care to tell me what's bothering you ? '' Eric asked , looking at Alan worried and took a sip of his chocolate . ''you've been silent for the past ten minutes .'' Eric explained in a low tone . Alan remained quiet in his seat , arms crossed over his chest and head turned facing the window to his left , watching as the cars and people with their scarfs and long coats passed outside the shop. Evetyone looked happy in the cold Sunday afternoon , but it didn't affect Alan at all. His tea was intact and the steam rose upwards in front of him . The strawberry puffs untouched as well. He tried his best to ignore the fact that Eric was staring at him right in his eyes and waited for him to speak. After a while , Alan lightly opened his mouth to speak but then clamped it shut again , bending his head down . Eric could tell that all kinds of thoughts were whirling around in his head .  
''Alan ?'' Eric called , this time more strictly .Alan remained with his head facing down . When Eric heard a sniff coming from him ,his eyes filled with worry and a wave of anxiety mixed with confusion hit him hard. He leaned forward and reached out , taking Alan's hand. After he did , Alan broke into tears . He didn't lift his head up , not even an inch .  
''Alan .. it's killing me to see you this way '' It was true ... if not even thhis couldn't make Alan feel better , then he didn't know what would. 

~~~~~~~

''I'm sorry ...'' Alan finally said in a shaky whispery voice. ''This is so wrong ...- wrong for you , wrong for me ...'' he said after a long pause.   
''Wrong how ? ''Eric murmured   
''Don't you see ? Sooner or later you'll get sick of me . You'll wonder what were you doing with your life , why were you spending all your life babysitting me . I can't stand that ! ''   
''Alan ...this is not gong to continue for the rest of your life . '' Eric said , tighteninng his grip on Alan's hand . ''It'll end eventually . Just relax and let your guard down. You're always so tensed up so you always expect the worst . Relax and the rest of you will lighten up.''   
''How can you say that ? Alan said in a voice drained of feeling . Alan's voice alerted him to the possibility that he had said something he shouldn't have.   
''What's the point of saying that to me ? 'relax and the rest of you will lighten up ' just tell me how could you say that ? If i let my guard down now , then i will never find my way back ! I've lived like this and this is the only way i know to keepon living !! '' Eric was shooked by Alan's sudden explosion , and found himself unable to find the proper words to answer . He remained silent . He could tell that with each answer he would give from now on , things wuold only turn to worse. He shrugged his shoulders in surrender and dropped his head down. 

''I'm sorry ...'' Eric said , taking his arm and shaking his head '' I din't mean to hurt you . Try not to let what I said bother you . Really I'm sorry.'' Alan just sat there listening to Eric , hands thrust in his pockets , thinking , his eyes focused on nothing in particular .

''Tell me something Eric '' he said ''Do you love me ? ''   
''You know I do .'' he answered .  
''Then ....will you do me two favors? ''


	6. Chapter 6

"Will you do me two favors ?''

"You may have up to three wishes , mister .''

Alan smiled and shook his head . "No , two will be enough . One , is for you to realize how grateful I am that you're trying your best to make me feel better . I may not show it , but I am really happy that you brought me here today. I want you to know that.'' 

"Alan ...'' Eric paused , trying to find again the proper words to speak. "You don't have to smile at me to know when you're happy. I know you too well and I know exactly when you're faking it and when it's a sincere smile. And we'll come here again , I promise. " he said '' And what is the other wish ?'' 

"I want you always to remember me . " maybe it was because of the warm temperature of the place but the words left from Alan's mouth felt cold and sharp , sending a shiver down Eric's spine .' Has he given up?' Eric thought . He furrowed his brow and stared at Alan right in his eyes with concern. Alan didn't look away but he had started to feel uncomfortable while trying to find how to put the words in a line. Elbows on the table , he stared at the flowers decorating the table next to theirs , almost as if he were hoping to find the proper expression there. Failing , he sighed , closed his eyes and played with the black cords of his bolo tie . His fingers moved nervously . 

"Will you remember that i stood next to you for this short time ? Will you remember that i existed ? " there was a brief moment of silence.

"Always '' Eric said , staring blankly . "I'll always remember . There's no way I'm going to forget .'' Alan opened his eyes slowly and lifted his gaze up at the blond . He nodded with a faint smile and eventually , grabbed one of the Strawberry puffs. With a sharp move , he forced it all into his mouth . Eric looked surprised at him and blinked tightly his eyes once. Alan could barely chew on it and so he put both hands in front of his face to hide the embarrassment. He tried his best and downed the Strawberry puff in one swallow. After he did , his cheeks turned red and he looked at Eric . Alan's eyes were smiling and after some seconds of staring , he burst into laughter . Eric's eyes were opened widely . He didn't know what had made Alan react like that . After such a conversation. How could he be laughing at this moment ? 

Alan's laughter didn't affect Eric . He didn't want to laugh nor smile . Not when he was thinking about Alan's previous words. What he had said meant tat it really was true and Alan knew it . Eric knew it . Alan was fading away. He was fading away and Alan could feel it with each passing day that he was only one step closer to being dead. Eric acted like he tried to ignore the fact. He couldn't comprehend that someday in the near future , Alan wouldn't be standing next to him like this. That before Alan would be gone , he would have to struggle and be hurt. He wouldn't die peacefully . He won't exist . Eric was not religious in any way and he didn't believe in any God above them , except from what he could see with his own eyes. He didn't believe that people go in heaven or hell whe they're gone. There are no blinding lights , there is no happy music there are no Angels waiting to great you. Eric believed none of that. 

When Eric thought about it , he didn't want to think about it . He just wanted to close his ears and lock out any thoughts that included Alan being dead . When Alan talked to Eric and told him these things like '' What do you think will hapoen to me when I'm gone ? Will it hurt dying? Will I be able to remember you? Will i see you again ? Or I'll be just a cold corpse lying in a varnished wooden coffin under cold and wet soil ? Just that ? Nothing at all? " when Alan felt as if he was going to die , he would start panic and talk that way. Eric knew he was terrified . And he felt like an idiot. Because Eric could never reply to questions like these. 

" I know that when I'm dead I'll be dead and I know that I'm close to death now. I know it is simple , and that when I'll die , there will be no more . " It was conversations like these that there were no words for Eric to just puck up and let out. Everything went white , and he wished all this was just a bad dream. 

"I won't let go though . Not even when i'll be weak enough so that i won't be able to stand on my own feet by myself. I'm already there ... but I'll try with all my might to shine beside you and help you until the end. "

All Eric coukd manage was a nod.' What an idiot am i ' he kept saying to himself. Naive . He thought that he could just send his illness packing . There was no escape from this tunnel. No way out of it and no light at the end if it. It was just Alan sparkling beside Eric so that they wouldn't crash into somewhere. That's right... everything went smoothly but as they kept walking , Alan's light was becoming weaker and weaker. Faded away steadily. His hands and feet were weaker than before. Then Alan was weaker than before. Everything was different than before and nothing seemed right.

Now there was nothing Eric could see . The darkness became Eric and Eric became the darkness . They were already there . Nowhere . But that was it. The time was close and they could both feel it knocking at their door. No matter where they were , the feeling was haunting them . Neither of both of them could let down his guard now . 

"Eric... you're always looking down ... '' Alan commented and Eric was brought back into reality and the soft melody of Mozart's music .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank from the bottom of my heart , the amazing writer and my great friend TopHatCat for offering herself to edit my story . Since English is not my original language and i have a hard time finding the proper words , she helps to bring the story to life. As i said to her , my story is monotone and she makes it colourful . Not only this but she has a special way to make me happy everyday . Thank you so much for everything and i really wish someday you stand somewhere high and be able to publish your work . You deserve it and you really can make art with words . ♡゛


	7. Chapter 7

As Alan and Eric made their way back home , a cold winter wind had began to built in the streets of the city ,and it was blowing intensively , whistling as it was forcing its way between the tall withered trees , causing even the last few leaves still standing on the spindly branches , to fall and fly into the sky . The weather had changed so abruptly , as dark grey clouds were gathering above London , and the smell of wet soil permeated the air. Ice cold sleet landed on their black coats but neither of them seemed to be bothered as it slowly melted and left a shade , darker than the fabric's initial color . 

There was an unfamiliar silence between the two . Alan had never felt like this before . It was an uncomfortable one . Eric wanted to say something and he wanted to urge those words which were almost hanging from his dry cold lips . It was so hard to put them in order. As Alan was walking , he stared at nothing in particular. His gaze was fixed on the pavement but he didn't really pay attention to what appeared in front of him. His expression as gloomy as ever . His mind was traveling somewhere else. Having both his hands buried deep inside his side pockets , his shoulders were slightly heave , and he apprehensively cast quick glances at Eric beside him. More specifically , only at Eric's black pointed leather shoes. He didn’t dare to raise his gaze any higher than that. Eric couldn’t see where and what Alan was looking at. His nose roosted inside the warmth of the scarf , with each long deep breath he let out slowly , the more cozy he felt . Due to the contrast of the cold air around him and the heat of his breath , his glasses had fogged up again and he took them off , shaking his head a little , dragging his mind out of the thoughts dancing around in his head . 

What Alan desired to say , there was no way that it wouldn’t upset Eric , he thought , and so , he decided to just keep it somewhere inside him and forget about it . Eric have had enough from him already today anyway. Coming up against with Alan having a dreadful attack, keeping vigil by his side as he slept , the relentless arguments ... he didn’t deserve to struggle more. 

But then , Alan found himself unable to hold it in and be quiet. He had to say it . If something was more stubborn than Alan , it was his own self. 

"Eric?'' He snapped , his voice coming out louder than he expected . Eric turned his attention to the smaller reaper with a wondering look.   
"What is it ? " he questioned in a serious tone with a still expression which only made Alan even more agitated. Eventually , like he couldn't speak and he balled his hands into a fist and gritted his teeth , pretending that the tightness in his chest as Eric looked at him , was just caffeine from the tea. He took in a long deep breath before he felt fully prepared to speak again and tell Eric what was eating him. 

"I...uh... '' he started . "Actually I... have one more wish for you to fulfill ...'' Alan hesitated and slowed down a bit. 

"I'm listening '' Eric said plainly . Alan swallowed thickly and took a sharp breath in.   
"I... Can I come tomorrow at work with you ?'' Alan hastily said and all at once , his tongue felt like it was tied in a knot. 

"Come again? " Eric asked sternly .  
"I want to come with you ! At work ! Tomorrow! " Alan pleaded , emphasizing every word and almost stumbled while having his eyes looking up at Eric and not in front of him , causing him to let out a sharp , short yelp , trying to gain back his balance again. His heart felt like it was going to burst at any moment now so he halted just below a cone of light. 

Eric stopped right beside and looked at him disapprovingly . 

"No , Alan '' he answered in a deadpan tone . When he used the brunet's name , Alan could sense that Eric was trying to clarify himself . But Alan's stubbornness wouldn’t let him back down with no sweat. 

"Eric ! " Alan yelled and put his foot down , as if that would change Eric's mind . 

"I said 'No' '' Eric insisted and turned his head facing away irritated. 

"But I told you I'm fi- ''

"Alan ! I've tried my very best to be patient with you but it seems the only thing you respond to is force . Now , stop pestering me about this and keep on walking . " Alan gasped and took a hesitant step backwards , bringing defensively up to his chest , hearing Eric raising his voice like that. 

Eric noticed how fear appeared into his eyes . He suspected that if Alan could run away now , he would do it in a heart beat . Or just disappear somehow. But his state didn’t allow him to do so and he just froze , looking at Eric with teary eyes .

Eric wasn’t cold-blooded . He cared about Alan more than anything . But at times like this , when Alan's mood seemed to only darken , he would lose his temper and let anger harness his emotions . Not only he knew that the disease would unexpectedly take his flower away someday , but seeing him loosing his mind day after day was something he couldn’t endure. He didn’t know who he was angry with anymore. Obviously not with Alan . It wasn’t his fault that he had got himself into this macabre situation . It wasn’t his fault that he caused so many problems to both of them. That everyday when the sun rose up and Eric opened his eyes to go and check on him , he was afraid that Alan might have stopped breathing and he would never wake up again. Eric would never outface those splendid , beautiful green eyes of his. Almost dazzling when he smiled at him. Alan's flowers would die as well. Even though Eric had spent hours and hours staring at him taking care of them like they were his whole fortune , he never learned a thing . Alan's books would all be abandoned with many layers of dust somewhere in the house . Whenever Eeic would feel lonely , he would pick up and open one at a random page , where Alan had left little notes and thoughts about the story , and he would stick his face between those pages , filling his lungs with the scent of Alan and ink. And Eric thought , that it would never fail to send a jolt of lonesomeness right through him. 

When all these thoughts and pictures reflected into his mind , tears welled up within his eyes and with a rapid move , he leaned forward and took Alan , who was silently crying with his head hung down , in his embrace. He had regretted everything that had escaped from his mouth. 

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Alan.'' He said through sobs and tightened his grasp around Alan . The smaller reaper let out a hushed gasp and let his arms fall limp to his sides . He looked up at the snowflakes over Eric's shoulder , coming down steadily , little by little and another single tear escaped from his eyes. 

Moving one hand up to put it around Eric , he let out a sigh . 

"Eric... '' he whispered '' Eric , it's okay . Don't cry please . It's alright... '' Alan said and stroked Eric's hair with his cold delicate fingers and then moved down slowly to reach his other hand and finally hug Eric back. 

"I'm sorry that I behaved so awfully to you . Fir shouting at you . I'm a terrible...terrible friend . Eric cried out and put his face near Alan's neck where the scarf rested. 

"Eric... I told you , it's alright . I'm not mad at you . It's not your fault . " Alan tried to console him . Then , Eric broke the hug and stepped back , facing down. He sniffed and wiped his tears on his sleeve before speaking. 

"Say Alan...''   
"Yes , Eric ? " Alan replied kindly and trued to put on a soft smile. Eeic sighed heavily. 

"Will you please... try your best and stay with me , until I find a cure for this ... ?

Alan watched puzzled but then , the sile came back to his face . 

" I cannot promise you that... but I'm willing to struggle for you . Struggle as much as I can. To stay by your side as long as I can . And this ... is all your fault Eric . The reason I'm about to struggleso much is you. " Eric's eyea wide opened at this and a smile started to appear on his face too. 

"Thank you , flower.'' And all of a sudden , all the sorrow and despair that seemed to encircle them that cold winter night , had perished . But not the terror of what might dawn tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> After being extremely inspired by TopHatCat ;3 I finally got the courage to upload my own story about Alan and Eric. Sorry for my bad English, its not my original language and I'm very slow at writing so it might take me a while to upload each chapter.  
> 


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